Spectrum is a gay mens' discussion group patterned after the "Wisdom Circle" concept. The wisdom circle is a small group which is intended to help all the members through sharing their experiences in an open way. It is supposed to be a "safe" place where confidentiality is respected, and all are encouraged to speak truthfully. The formal name of the group is "Spectrum Men's Spirituality Group", so ostensibly our discussions are focused around matters of spirit. Spirit is a vague term, though, and as far as I'm concerned, it covers just about everything that has to do with one's inner life.
I will respect confidentiality by not mentioning any names; and I won't repeat any specific stories, but will instead keep my focus on my own particular experiences and my interpretations of our discussions, and to general ideas.
These discussions examined our emotions both past and present, in order to better understand ourselves and so that we may face the future with a little more wisdom. Though the space we use is at the Unitarian church, our discussions usually did not veer toward religion. In fact most of the group members are not particularly religious, and many expressed that the churches of their youth caused emotional harm in one way or another. There is a distinction between religion and spirituality. All people have a spiritual life of some kind, while not everyone has a religious life.
A discussion group is not a substitute for psychotherapy. None of us is a professional, nor do we pretend to dispense clinical advice. Talking honestly is a kind of "therapy" in the informal sense, and we try to steer away from doling out advice unless it's asked for, but instead, try to relate our own experiences to the topic on the floor so that it may be of use to others.
Why are we here ?
The reason each person attends the group is unique, but there are common themes. We seem to have a need to talk about our suffering in life, both now and in the past. Is the past suffering related to the present suffering? What do we need to do today to alleviate this suffering in the future? This suffering is not necessarily the kind that requires professional help, but it is those daily nagging feelings of anxiety. Anxiety that comes from living in this time and place as a gay man. Anxiety about relationships, work, finances, family. Each person has his unique personal situation, but a large part of the energy generated in this group comes from our commonalities and the constant discovery that much of our anxiety is generated in similar ways, and much of our individual past suffering rings true with all of us.
Here are some of the questions we have pondered: Who am I? What is the story of my life? What happened in the past to make me the person I am now? What caused my suffering? What do I consider to be my identity? How much do others' assumptions about me affect my own self-image? How much do I assume about the assumptions of others? Do what other people think of me matter? How do I label myself and are those labels sensible? Do I see myself in a fair way, or is the picture of myself something like a character in a story? Are my memories accurate or are they merely images from the past that are stitched together to form a somewhat fictional narrative? Does it matter? Does the story of my life have a meaning? If the past is just a story, can I change it? Are my future thoughts and actions somehow bound to the influences of the past? Where does shame come from and what are its lingering effects? How do I cope with romantic relationships? How can I be happier in the future?
Life Stories.
One of our first topics was the "Spiritual Autobiography". Each member used a session to discuss his life story, as a way for us to introduce ourselves to each other. I used James Fowler's ideas of the "Stages of Spiritual Growth" as a framework for my presentation. According to Fowler, these stages of growth are universal, and everyone's present view of the world is consistent with one of these stages. Adulthood and maturity are associated with stage 4, where one begins to think for himself and question the stories we were told as children. This is where all the trouble starts for us gay men. I think we all come to the realization at some time that there is a huge conflict between what we feel and what our society says we are supposed to feel. What we feel, as well as plain old common sense, can crash into the ideas that traditional Christianity teaches. I think my "stage 4" moment happened when I realized that it didn't make sense to me anymore to recite the congregational readings in church where we confessed to God that we human beings are not "worthy" of God's grace. Around the same time it was beginning to occur to me that the "Normal" attitudes in society were not going to be my attitudes. Conflict. Conflict. There was a little space in my brain that said it's "ok" to be gay, but there was a larger space in my brain that made me feel bad about myself, and still bought the "I am not worthy" notion.
Some people never seem to leave stage 3, where there is unquestioning faith in a god who rules the universe and currys favors upon those who believe in the "correct" way. Many people never move beyond stage 3 where the primary identification is with a particular church and peer group and their beliefs. The ministers at many churches preach to the "lowest common denominator" so as not to stir up any real thought or controversy.
Stage 4 is a "demythologizing" stage, where critical thought begins to demolish myths and traditions previously taken for granted. By the time I entered college I was willing to say that I was an atheist, because I realized that the stuff my church told me defied reason and logic.
Those of us who have moved on seem to be in constant misery about how we're supposed to behave and believe. Stage 4 necessarily brings about a flowering of many minds within one person, and these many minds can be in conflict with each other.
For instance, there is certain comfort in situations that remind us of childhood, even though the situation may be totally destructive and dysfunctional. It is comfortable because it's what we have become accustomed to. This is why we often choose partners who have the same flaws as our parents. Sometimes crazy negative relationships continue because the other person gives attention, and any attention, even if it's abusive, is better than no attention. For some, conflict is that thing which communicates "love", because conflict is the only communication there is.
There was nothing in childhood which gave any positive notion of homosexuality. So not venturing out of the closet is the comfortable thing to do. And while our common sense tells us that there should be no shame in loving other men, and there should be no shame in finding men sexually attractive because this is simply who we are, and our inner thoughts are no one's business anyway. But we still feel the shame.
Even though common sense told me that it's OK to be gay and it's OK not to be a typical masculine guy, there was baggage from 18 years of opposing messages. I could not come out or reveal my true thoughts to anybody because of the fear of being marginalized or even bashed. My true self was hidden as I turned to my studies in college. I did not have time for church or thinking about spiritual things, and repressed my desires for a boyfriend. But I also decided I would not pretend to be something I was not. I was not open, but by the same token I refused to pretend to be straight by having girlfriends, and I refused to go with the norms and trot off to church on Sundays.
I was confirmed into the church when I was 14. To me, confirmation class was kind of like school, where you regurgitate the answers back that you are told. Yes, Jesus died for me, and yes, he is coming back, and yes, I must confess my sins all the time, because as flawed humans we don't really deserve the kingdom of God, blah-de-blah. We did not question it because it was like any other class. I remember being told about the young sailor whose ship got blown up and he floated in the ocean for days, but he survived only because he prayed and prayed. I remember asking why God sends people to Hell if he supposedly loves us so much. I don't remember the answer I got, but I must have bought it at the time. Or, maybe not. Maybe I never really bought the Jesus stuff, maybe I just did what a good boy is supposed to do.
Maybe I began to get cynical about life at a young age. I do remember being scorned and tormented by the guys in the 6th grade who picked on me to show that they are tough guys. I remember my parents trying to convince me to do some kind of sport - tennis, golf, swimming, softball - I hated them all and they were all torture. I don't remember Jesus doing much for me then. My friend G_ made up the word “Agnostochristism”: uncertainty about the divinity of Christ. Many of the people I know have basically the same idea, I think. Of course this is biased, since many of the people I know are Unitarians. Jesus can be seen as a wise teacher, as was Bhudda, as was Mohammed. The guys I know at the Unitarian Church go there because they just got sick of all the Jesus stuff they had to listen to in the traditional Christian churches. Even the “liberal” Christian churches beat you over the head with Jesus stuff.
Ever since I was in college, this Jesus Christ stuff never really made any sense to me. As Gore Vidal says, it’s a “Bronze-age religion”. To me it’s a perfectly emtpy idea that you are somehow special if you “believe” that Mary was a virgin, Jesus was God, and he was resurrected. So?? Why does God favor those who happen to believe in this particular supernatural series of events?
Ironic that in Western Europe traditional Christianity is dying, and yet they behave more as Jesus would have wanted. They have universal health care. They believe that a sign of a great society is how well the poorest are treated. They believe “welfare-state” is a good word, while we consider it a bad word.
Next: Part 2
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